Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
