I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
