i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Someone signed my nipple.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
