it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
