I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
