can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
