Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
