dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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