There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
