I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just gift wrapped bread.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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