This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
