I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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