so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
