masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
