I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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