So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize