guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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