i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
