Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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