just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
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I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
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When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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