I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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