what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
