Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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