There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
