legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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