I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
