So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
