Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
