I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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