theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
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Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
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if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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