That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
FUCK WHALES
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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