I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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