I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
