today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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