When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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