Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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