sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
