Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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