remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
