she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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