Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
