just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
