I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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