The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.