I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Come share oat with me in your robe
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
