Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
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