From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My vagina is very pro this idea
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