saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
