rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
