I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
