I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
